Price of Fire

by koibito

Gourry was almost glad to be caught up in yet another struggle against someone with plans to reshape their world. True, they were even deeper in over their heads than they'd been before. True, they were currently wandering some strange island that was cut off from normal time and space, with no guarantee that they would ever be able to return to the reality they had known. The swordsman really didn't care about any of that, so long as Zel was there.

After meeting up with Zel again, it had been the same familiar round of hopes and frustrations, of the bittersweet moments of closeness he shared with the chimera which were all too short-lived. So far their stay on this magical island had been one of the best of their times together. If their enemy had meant to for them to become trapped here, it was only to keep Lina out of the way, not to destroy them - - it wasn't a particularly dangerous place, and, though bizarre, it was undeniably magnificently lovely. There were fields of flowers that floated through the air, their feathery roots tickling at exposed skin; patches of beach where the sand glimmered like a fire opal under the shallow water... a stream that came down from a large mountain in a waterfall that felt wet, but was pure liquid light. Maybe the bewitchment of the place called to the magic in Zel's blood, or maybe it was the sheer beauty that spoke to his soul, but the shaman had been less defensive and wary since they had come here, and Gourry treasured that chance.

The swordsman understood Lina's determination to leave. For her it was a matter of finishing what she had started, and not being tricked or defeated by their antagonist. Gourry certainly respected that. He just couldn't share her feelings, because since coming to this strange and charming place, Gourry had found himself watching the mystery of Zel unfold a little, and thinking that if they never returned, Zel would never have to leave again. And thoughts like those made the tall blonde warrior want to give up on battle, and stay there forever. He couldn't bear the thought of going back to the world they knew, if it meant watching Zel shut himself away again, hover like a shade around their little group, and then disappear once the danger was over.

Right now, though, something Lina had said was haunting him as he waited at the edge of sleep, her words about that herd of wild, winged horses they had encountered...

They had been such a sight, graceful and untamed, the rush of their wings stroking both rough and gentle through Gourry's hair as seven or eight of them sped low over the group of adventurers, landing only a short distance away, as if they were as fascinated by the newcomers as these strange people were of them. When the misplaced travelers came closer they ran - - not away, but for the sheer joy of it. Enchanted, the four of them simply watched. Gourry could picture perfectly now the disarmed smile on Zel's face when one of the younger ones, barely more than a foal, failed to contain its curiosity, and came over to investigate, nudging the chimera's neck with its nose and shaking its head when it got a faceful of prickly silver hair. It wasn't discouraged, though, and soon returned, licking at its newly chosen friend until Zel couldn't keep from laughing, and was pushed over by the little equine's exploration. Lina and Amelia laughed delightedly too, of course, but Gourry was too overcome by awe at seeing Zel so unself-conscious. How was it, that Zel was always that way with animals, almost a completely different person? Maybe because they didn't judge you on appearances and were completely without guile or deceit? The moment Zel put a hand into its mane, of course, it ran off, though it didn't go too far.

"I can't believe how pretty and friendly they are, Lina-san. I wish we could take them back with us... but I suppose this island is their home, and they'd miss it terribly." Amelia gave a longing sigh.

"Maybe," Lina answered, her eyes far off as she watched the herd. "But I don't think so, really. Their home is wherever the herd is. That's where they really belong - - with each other. It doesn't matter where they are, as long as they're together."

Those words whispered again in Gourry's mind while he drifted off to sleep. That was it, that was how he felt. That was why he didn't care if they ever left or not. As long as he was with these people, and especially Zel, he was already home... and Zel was just like that foal, a bit surprisingly trusting, but shy - - if you tried to hold on too tight, he ran away. But he didn't go far or for very long...

I would know your face
in this wild, enchanted place
come to me and be still
and we'll dream of the wild horses
running free with the wild horses

Gourry dreamt of horses flying through moonglow. He was with them, flying too; he had the wind in his face, and for once no fear of falling. Lina and Amelia's laughter chased behind him, and Zel's wings were transparent like crystal prisms. Whatever hillside they came to rest on was all blues and greens, like twilight, no more moon. Somewhere far in the back of his mind, the swordsman knew he was dreaming, but it didn't matter. They made a net out of vines but left it in the grass, and Zel flew away. Gourry tried to follow, but he realized his wings were gone and he couldn't. He wanted to call out, but all that he could say through the threatening tears was "Why?"

And when his wet eyes opened on darkness, he knew why. The old saying about loving someone and setting them free was true, but it left out one thing... if you had the courage to let them go, but you never had the courage to tell them that you loved them, what reason would they have to stay? Zel only knew that Gourry let him go, and knowing Zel he probably thought it was because the swordsman didn't want him - - because Gourry had never really let him know otherwise.

And despite that, Zel always returned. That must mean...

For the first time, Gourry was filled with real hope, not just a wish, that his feelings for the chimera were returned. He felt foolish over wasted time, but that was another waste in itself, and he was tired of squandering his chances. He crawled out of his blanket and made his way silently over to where Zel slept with his sword in easy reach. The blonde man paused. He could very easily wind up on the end of that sword by waking the shaman like this, with no words and a hand on the arm, but Gourry felt it was worth the risk. Playing it safe had gotten him nowhere thus far. And tonight Zel's hand wasn't curled right beside the hilt, as it often was, but over his head. Gourry put his hand on Zel's sword and eased it out of reach, then hesitated again. Normally, the chimera would have woken by now... the sight of Zel lost in a sleep this deep and peaceful was rare. The swordsman couldn't quite bring himself to interrupt it. Whether he spoke to Zel now or in the morning, the answer wouldn't be any different. So decided, Gourry settled back to watch Zel sleeping, and became effortlessly mesmerized by the rhythm of the young man's soft breathing through barely parted lips. The tall warrior wanted nothing more than to curl up beside the shaman and wrap his arms around the young sleeper, feel that steady warm beat of the heart in time with the slow breath. Since he couldn't, he contented himself with recalling the time or two he had held Zel in his arms; the feel of it, the smell of it - - clean and rich, like the scent of earth warmed by the sun and washed by the rain. Gourry passed the night in yearning fancies of the rest of his life spent waking up with that slender body filling his arms.

Dawn and waking came too soon for the swordsman. Zel's eyelashes stirred, and Gourry felt a brief stab of fear and loss - - and then those blue-gray eyes opened and caught sight of Gourry. All the thoughts and feelings that tumbled through Zel's mind, one after another, when he woke to find Gourry watching him... the swordsman saw them come and go in the chimera's eyes. Confusion, nervousness, curiosity, fear, hope, embarrassment, happiness - - they all ran like quicksilver, there, gone, but not so fast that Gourry could miss the one thing he wanted to see there - - desire, flaring deep and hot in Zel's silvery gaze in that first moment when it rested on the blonde swordsman.

from my dream I awake
just one wish I have to make
if I hold you again
in these arms, when the war is over...
will you stay, when the war is over

for a lifetime and then
until the world begins again

When Zelgadis ended up traveling with Gourry and Lina again, he was filled with mixed feelings. It always felt good to be a part of that again, and it always hurt to leave; but sooner or later, the pain of staying outweighed the pain of the farewells. He was a moth drawn to a bright blonde flame, and no matter how many times it burned him he couldn't resist its lure. Each time he took his leave of Gourry, was aware that it wouldn't be forever. He knew he'd be back. But each time, he dared to dream that when he did return, he would be free of the spell that bound him in this hated form, that he would be normal when he next saw the swordsman again. Then, perhaps, he could have a new beginning of sorts. Zel knew he didn't have the right to hope, as he was. If he weren't such a loathsome thing to behold, then maybe...

All such speculation was useless, of course. It was never a question of whether he would come to Gourry again, only of how long he could stay away and if that would be long enough to find the way to break the spell that had ruined him. He always lost the race against time. Before need and coincidence compelled him to connect once more with Gourry Gabriev, Zel could never find what he needed to be saved.

Zel had all but surrendered to the inevitable... even with the knowledge, the promise that he would suffer, would twist in the searing heat of his own desire, he had to be with the swordsman. Without Gourry's presence, all was cold ashes, gray and useless. Even this island, exquisite as it was, was only delightful because Gourry was there with him. Had he been there on his own, it would have been no more than a lovely prison, and he would never have ceased looking for some way to escape it and find the tall warrior once again. It gave him a measure of peace to admit that, and since that revelation he had relaxed some of the defenses he always kept in place to shield him from his own weakness.

When the early light showed Gourry's face above him, he thought for a moment that he was dreaming, and fought against waking. His other senses, though, told him that it was real, and when his mind heeded them he realized that the swordsman was indeed there, and had been there for some time looking at Zel while he slept. The shaman was filled with a thousand emotions. Just as intense as his elation at seeing Gourry so near was Zel's terror of what the other man saw and felt when he looked at the chimera. His heart thudded, responding to Gourry's longed for but unexpected presence, expecting to be shattered. He didn't try to stop it; he wouldn't even it he could. It was the price he paid for loving Gourry, and he had accepted long ago that he would cling fiercely to that love no matter what it cost.

well now I know it's the price of fire
to love you like I do in these chains
with the pleasure and the pain
it's nothing more than the price of fire
to feel so good and so afraid
I touch the flame and I can't look away

"Zel," Gourry said softly, "I couldn't sleep."

The chimera propped himself up on one elbow, not asking, just listening. The swordsman looked around at the sunrise and everything it had begun to illuminate.

"I didn't want to leave here at first," he confessed. "I'm not afraid to go back and fight, I'm afraid of what happens after the fighting's over, even if we win."

Zel's face showed the question that he didn't voice, and Gourry's brow furrowed in thought, searching for the right words.

"When it's all over, Zel, I mean he worst of it... will you go away again? Even if I want you to stay?"

Zel dropped his gaze from the swordsman's face. It wasn't a fair question. Gourry would ask Zel to stay with them, but once the shaman wasn't needed anymore, he would be ignored, as usual, or made the butt of idle jokes to pass the relative tedium of day-to-day existence after such excitement. All the slights and manipulations that he could withstand while they were working toward a common goal would become too much for him, when his only reason for being there was that Gourry had said he wanted Zel around, and then the swordsman's behavior said differently. It was too hard to endure Gourry's pity, and that was why Zel always ended up in search of a way to stop that pity.

"I suppose that depends on why you want me to stay," he finally answered.

Gourry nodded, and for a minute or so that was all. Then he said, "It's what Lina said earlier. About the horses, and being each other's home. That's why I want you to stay. Whenever you're gone, I get homesick."

Zel stared at the blonde man's solemn face in shock. He had never expected to hear something like that from Gourry. Surely it didn't mean quite what Zel wanted it to mean, but even so, it was more than enough.

"If... if that's why," Zel replied after a few seconds, when he could breathe again, "then of course I'll stay."

Gourry put his hand over Zel's, no pressure, just resting there, and saw that desire flash through the chimera's eyes again, felt the hand under his heat up. That was all he needed to make him give in to impulse. He closed the short distance between them and claimed Zel's lips. Zel didn't pull back, so Gourry put an arm around the chimera's back and pressed them together while his tongue stroked Zel's bottom lip. Zel's mouth parted, let him in, and for several moments there was nothing but the passion of the kiss, until he felt the vibration of Zel's moan against his chest. Gourry stopped and pulled back, looking at Zel's flushed face, the chimera's half-lidded eyes almost glowing silver with need; but they were filled with an anguished disbelief as well.

"How can you stand to touch..." Zel whispered brokenly, and then, his eyes closing, "I don't dare believe it, Gourry. I would do anything you asked, but please don't ask for something you don't really want."

"This is what I really want," Gourry answered softly next to Zel's ear. He placed a kiss below that ear and felt Zel shiver in reaction. "What do you want?"

Zel opened his eyes then and swept them back and forth over Gourry's face. Whatever he saw there must have been enough, because he gasped out through the catch in his voice, "I want you to want this."

my world is turning in your hand
the skies are burning and the dream becomes the man

I can hear your voice
now I'm sure, I've made my choice
take this heart where you will
and we'll be gone with the wild horses
just you and me and the wild horses

"Oh, I want it," Gourry murmured. "I want you, right now, and for as long as this life lasts." He captured Zel's mouth with another kiss. The young man's blanket had fallen to his waist, and Gourry grabbed a handful and yanked it out of his way so that he could get closer. It had been under the elbow Zel was using for support, and the chimera fell back on to the soft roll of cloth he'd been using for his bed. The swordsman followed right after, only stopping to plant his knees between the shaman's to hold himself up, unwilling to let his lips be separated from Zel for long. After exploring Zel's mouth with his tongue for a few minutes and memorizing every nuance of the taste of it, one hand had succeeded in working its way under the chimera's shirt and up to Zel's chest. He pressed it there, feeling the hard, racing beat of the heart underneath, before he let it wander, learning by touch the location of every smooth, slightly raised section of darker-colored stone. His other arm tightened around Zel's waist, keeping the length of the chimera's body molded firmly to his own, feeling the shorter youth's arousal hot and hard against his lower belly. He released Zel's mouth, and Zel made a soft sound of protest, using his arms locked around Gourry's shoulders to pull his head up to try and catch the swordsman's lips again, but they were already wandering along the chimera's jawline to the base of his ear.

Zel moaned, tried to press tighter against Gourry, couldn't, tightened his thighs around the swordsman's hips for leverage... that was as far as he got, because Gourry slipped the hand that had been exploring around Zel's back and lifted the chimera off the ground completely, sitting back on his heels and bringing Zel up with him until Zel rested on his lap. Zel clenched his teeth and panted hissing through them - - the shift made his erection dig harder against Gourry, and now he could feel the blonde's hard length nudging just behind his balls. The slightest movement was ecstasy and torture.

"Not like this," Gourry said softly, resting his forehead against Zel's. "I want to make sure you're sure. I couldn't take it if you changed your mind and left me again, Zel, after we... Wait, make certain how you feel about it when you've had time to think, and then tell me your answer."

He still didn't let Zel go, though, just sat holding him, while Zel let his head rest on the swordsman's shoulder and tried to calm the wildfire in his body. It was worth it, worth being left at this unbearable pitch of arousal, to know that Gourry truly cared about him, enough to deny the need Zel could feel the proof of even now, and be sure that Zel was ready for all of this. The chimera knew that he was, but he could take it slowly, if that was what Gourry wanted. Zel felt tears of pure physical frustration well in his eyes. All this time, wanting only this; and now that it was really real and in his reach, he had to take his time, hold back. But if Gourry was willing to pay that price, then so was he.

- - I love you - - he mouthed silently to the rising sun.

for now I know it's the price of fire
to love you like I do in these chains
with the pleasure and the pain
it's nothing more than the price of fire
to feel so good and so afraid
I touch the flame and I can't look away

§ end §

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