FALL

by koibito

"Lina..."

Gourry stopped the sorceress as she turned to walk off toward the next city and whatever she thought she might find there. She turned back toward the swordsman with an impatience he could feel, but he wasn't looking at her. His eyes were following the retreating figure of a soft-spoken, sharp-witted chimera. Maybe the city was dangerous for someone like Zelgadis, but didn't friends look out for one another? And didn't Zel see that they were his friends? Or that they wanted to be, at least. The warm, pleasant shock of that hand on Gourry's shoulder, and the little smile that went with it - - contact, a connection of touch from a person who normally avoided it - - even in that brief but oh-so-exhilerating moment of intimacy, Zel had kept that air of reserve.

And then he had offered his hand to Lina, and just walked away.

As if he sensed that they had not yet gone their way, Zel half-turned back toward Lina and the tall blonde man whose heart skipped a beat and waved at them. Gourry raised a hand in answer, flashing a bright smile: not really going, maybe? Not really slipping out of their lives like a dream at dawn...

As soon as the shaman turned and continued on his way, Gourry's grin faded. The swordsman let his arm drop back to his side slowly, reluctantly. Why didn't Lina say something? Gourry had already tried... and suppose Zel did come back for Lina, when he hadn't stayed for Gourry? Suddenly, the tall warrior wasn't certain how he would feel about that.

"Do you think he likes you?" he mumbled to Lina.

"What?" She stared at him, obviously wondering where that had come from. Gourry was wondering himself. He babbled something to her, made up a reason for asking that question that just might have made sense to someone... he didn't know if it did or not. He didn't know what exactly had made him ask it, how could he explain it?

He figured it out that night, when it finally hit him that he would probably never see Zelgadis again, while he cried himself to sleep.

you found hope
you found faith
found how fast he can take it away

found true love
lost your heart
now you don't know who you are...

"Take this," Zel called, and flung his spell at Sylphiel and the limp form of Lina that was held in her arms. The shield encased them and they sped away, gone, safe. Both of them, either of them - - it didn't matter now. He hated himself for that, because it should matter. Probably it did, somewhere underneath all that pain, all that fear that wasn't for him or for the two girls, but for Gourry... Gourry, who had literally collapsed when he saw Lina hit by Koppi Rezo's spell. The sound of her name on those lips, ragged with more emotion that Zel could ever hope might be spent on him - - it had torn through him with more force than any weapon or spell attack. He couldn't bleed from the injury, couldn't die, only wish that he would so that the pain wouldn't go on and on. If not for his own sake, then for Gourry's - - it shouldn't be Lina dying, it should be Zelgadis.

And how convenient; Koppi Rezo was there to oblige him.

Zel let the pain fill him up and become anger, fury directed at the koppi on behalf of Gourry; and on behalf of Lina and Sylphiel too, he now discovered. You couldn't love Gourry and not care for those that the swordsman cared for. Zangalus had known the same thing. Zel had seen it in that moment of unspoken sympathy they had shared - - you love him, and he doesn't love you...

Zel kept going, knowing he couldn't realistically hope to stand up to their enemy... not caring. He didn't see the power directed at him, he couldn't see his target at all. He could only see how foolish he had been, to give over every hope and dream to one chance, one person... and there was no one, really, to blame for that. It was just so easy to love Gourry. It was so easy to forget that those sunny smiles weren't for Zel alone, so easy when Gourry was there for Zel to forget what he was, forget everything except Gourry.

And once again, he had forgotten. If it hadn't been for Amelia, Zel wouldn't have been still on his feet. Her shove shocked him out of the reverie that had overcome his rage, and then the despair was gone. He didn't have time or room for it, if it meant that he would die and not be there to fight with Gourry, to fight for Gourry; even if they were both losing battles...

he made it easy
made it free
made you hurt 'til you couldn't see

sometimes it stops
sometimes it flows
baby, that is how love goes

you will fly and you will crawl
God knows even angels fall
no such thing as you've lost it all
God knows even angels fall

Why did he do it? Why did he give in and let them do this to him, make a joke of him, make him put aside his pursuit of the dream of being human again in favor of an even more impossible desire? Zel knew the cure he sought was elusive, but he could live with that taunting hope. And he couldn't live without the sweet torment of his blonde fantasy, near enough to touch and still forever beyond his reach...

How could he stand it? How could he spend day after day beside the one person he truly wanted, when every time he thought he was getting close, he ended up pushed back to arms length? Gourry thought that he might someday snap, push past the facade of the simple reassuring teammate, and what then? Would it be calling Zel's bluff, or would it truly drive him away? The swordsman only knew that it couldn't go on this way, sharing a bath one day and finding himself back at square one the next day; watching the girls play their games while he resisted the urge to stand up for Zel and even secretly, guiltily relishing it when Zel had no one to turn to but him; regretting it and hating himself for wasting so many chances when for the first time since he had met the chimera Zel seemed to open up to someone besides him.

it's a secret
no one tells
one day it's heaven, one day it's hell

and it's no fairytale
take it from me
that's the way love's supposed to be

you laugh, you cry
no one knows why
but oh, the thrill of it all...

you're on the ride
you might as well
open your eyes

And here they were again, Gourry thought. The world was just about as safe as it ever got, and they were all alive and all together.

you will fly, and

...how long? How long would he have, to listen to that voice and try to catch a glimpse of that rare smile, before Zel was gone again? Or maybe this time Gourry could find the courage or the words or whatever it was that he needed to make Zel stay.

you will crawl

Maybe before it was too late, Zel would see how much Gourry wanted him to stay. How much Gourry wanted him, period. He could just tell Zel... maybe Zel felt the same way...

God knows even angels fall

And even if Zel didn't feel the same, and he left anyway, he might think about Gourry. And he might change his mind. He might come back... he always seemed to.

no such thing as you've lost it all

Maybe Zel already loved him back and couldn't say it either.

God knows even angels fall

Maybe...

even angels fall

§ end §

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